I am perhaps the most stressed I’ve ever been right now.

It’s nine days before MFM. I play a really critical role there, and I’m already feeling pressure from it. But I’m used to it, and MFM by itself is usually not a huge deal.

Three months ago my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He was in surgery a few days later to have it removed. In some ways it was a happy thing, as he’d been having all kinds of weird issues going on – like randomly falling down – and the brain tumor accounted for all of them. The surgery got out 90% of it, and pathology confirmed that it was the slowest growing type of this type of tumor. We were hopeful that maybe this was the last we’d hear of it.

While all of this was going down, I really wanted to go rushing off to DFW to see my folks, because, you know, brain tumor and my Dad. But my folks insisted that I not come, and I didn’t want to stress them out any more by going against their wishes. So I was good and stayed here in the Bay Area.

What I did instead was work out a way for me to come see them on the way to MFM. I’m flying into Dallas, going to spend two nights at their place, and then drive to Memphis from there. Then after the con I’ll drive back to their house, spend the night, and take off for the airport to fly home the following day. I was going to burn two more days of my vacation time (I only get 15 a year), but that was okay. I really wanted to see my Dad after all of this.

I confirmed all the dates with my folks months ago. We’ve talked a few times about how they’re excited to see me and all that.

Fast forward to a few days ago on Saturday.

I get a frantic series of texts from my Mom asking me when I’m going to be in Memphis. It was mostly incoherent babble, so I called her. We talked for over an hour.

Last Thursday my Dad bought a bus ticket to Memphis to go “look for work.” Mom was up all night trying to talk him out of it. We’re guessing he has friends in the area, but we don’t really know for sure. He left on Friday.

Why Memphis I have no idea. Apparently he has decided that’s the place to be if you’re 62 years old, recovering from major surgery, and looking for work. (He was laid off a number of years ago.) We assume he’s staying with people he knows. He’s promised to text my Mom each time he applies for a job.

He was ignoring phone calls, but Mom told me she was able to do FaceTime with him this morning, so that’s a step in the right direction, I suppose.

My Mom is now applying pressure on me to “try to go see him” while I’m in Memphis. I had to basically tell her no this afternoon. I said that while at MFM I’m so busy I usually have a hard time getting a good meal, and I certainly don’t have time to go drive across town to do a big emotional thing.

My Mom, sister and I have been in contact more in the last 48 hours than we have all year. We’ve kicked around the idea that if we can get his doctor to say that sudden changes in behavior is part of the recovery from the cancer we could file a Missing Persons report for medical reasons and basically force him to come home, but none of us want to do that at this point.

Emotionally this has been really hard on me. I spent a lot of money (hundreds of dollars) and burned two vacation days to go see my Dad, and he’s not even going to be there. I’m not calling it a waste as I’ll still get to spend time with my Mom (but I’m doubting it’ll be relaxing time now), but gaaaah this sucks. It’s like at no point did he think “Oh, humm, Bunny’s gonna be here in 14 days, maybe I should be here.” I’m just angry and upset and don’t really know what to think.

The thought has crossed my mind that maybe this is transphobia (this is my first time seeing my folks since starting HRT), but I really really really hope that is not the case… because that’ll dictate how a lot of my life with them is going to go from here.

There is one sliver lining here… my Mom has started doing her best to call me my name. Even in text messages. She messes it up a lot, but at least she’s trying. I told her that means so much to me and thanked her a zillion times.

I’m just planning on being me when I go to Texas next week, and what happens, happens. It’ll be the first time presenting female in front of my family.

As Jimmy Buffet says, life’s not over, it’s just simply complicated.

Today was a frustrating day.

My voice has been giving me problems all day. It’s like it’s being coated with phlegm and I’m not sure why… this is a real problem, because it’s like putting handcuffs on me. If I can’t get my vocal cords to vibrate freely I’m unable to shift my voice around as I wish.

I had two meetings today (one of which was a one-on-one where I did a lot of talking), and I kept having to put the mic on mute and cough to break it up enough to let me be able to speak at all. I am so thankful I have coworkers that understand I’m in transition, but UGH.

You can tell I’m having a bad day speaking when I switch to text in a meeting. Everyone else will be speaking and I’m using text to respond to questions. So thankful I have that as an option, and that I type quick enough to make it work right.

In happier news, my doctor has the best books in the waiting room. 🙂

Two weeks ago I started something that’s kinda neat! I have been seeing a Speech Pathologist to help me learn how to train my voice to sound more feminine. I had to hit a long cycle of referrals from the insurance company, but I got approved at every stage along the way, so my health insurance is paying for it. Neat!

This is one area where I’m really benefitting from living in San Francisco. My doctor did a little bit of research and ended up sending me to a really highly recommended doc. The ladies in the front office were like “just to warn you, he’s really weird, but he’s usually able to get great results,” and I was like “it’s okay, I’m weird too.” 🙂

I’ve been three times. The first session started out with him recording me say something like “Hi! My name is Bunny. Today is July 1st. I live in San Francisco. I am working on my voice.” We keep repeating this before and after each session so we can compare how things are progressing.

He uses a computer very heavily, which I think is really neat. He’s got an application on it that does real-time analysis of the data coming in off the microphone. Most of the time it’s on a screen where it shows one chart with two plots on the X-axis… one showing pitch and the other showing volume. He also uses this computer to make notes and record things so we can play them back later.

The first session was mostly my auditioning for him to see if I’m trainable or not and worth him taking on as a patient. I think I passed with flying colors, he was very happy to have me come back. He had me do a range test (I can do 2.5 octaves without straining), and made sure I understood that results are not promised and sometimes it just doesn’t work. I said I understand.

The second session was about establishing a baseline for my pitch. He had me do a series of noises (mostly weird grunts) while recording it on the computer. Then he was able to look at the data at determine that I have a natural harmonic in my voice around 250Hz, so we decided to use that as the baseline. 250Hz is pretty high – most female voices are closer to 200Hz and 250Hz is nearing the child range – but I can do it quite easily. At the end of the session he had me repeat the “My name is Bunny” thing and we were both O.O at how good it sounded. Yay!

The session this week (third session) we are starting to get into tone quality and color. Just simply raising my pitch only makes me sound like a male speaking in a falsetto, and that’s not at all what I want. This is where the real work is. I’ll be working at this part for a long time to come… years I bet.

This weekend I have been playing with some software he recommended. I’m recording things, experimenting with resonation, and playing them back. It’s a harsh reality for me just how poor my voice sounds right now, but at least I know it’s an issue and I have the tools to change it. I also grabbed an tone generator app for my phone and I have it make a 250Hz tone, which I play into my ear and humm along with to center my pitch back up to 250Hz. That helps as well as I can do that anywhere – even at work before getting on a call with a coworker.

The good news for me, at least, is that I know my voice can do it! That makes working at it worthwhile because I know the goal is obtainable. Yeah, it’s gonna be a lotta work, but hopefully there will be a good payout at the end.

Oh, remember when I said I got called Sir at McD’s? After my last session I went back there, at night, and did the best I can to order at the drive-thru. I used all of the things I had just learned at my lesson and said “I would like one ice cream cone, please.” and the person on the other end said “Is that all, Ma’am?” 🙂 🙂 That was the first time I’d ever passed on voice alone. 🙂

I can’t keep that up for more than a few sentences right now… but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!! 🙂

The last two weeks I’ve been dealing with something I figured would be coming eventually, just not so quickly.

I’ve had a bit of an admirer I’ve had to deal with on Second Life. (I’d say “stalker” if he was doing the things he was doing in Real Life.) He’s been “staying up all night to see me” (he lives in Germany), and then when I finally do show up been constantly demanding hugs and other sorts of attention.

I figured he was just pretty young and I might be one of the few girls that was ever nice to him. The problem is, I’m not just being nice to him, I’m nice to everyone. I have zero feelings for this person… and after the way he’s been acting, I have less than zero feelings for him… to the point that I’d been avoiding Rocket City because I didn’t wanna deal with him, and that’s not right. I own the place, I should feel comfortable there!

So last night I had a talk with a mutual male friend and he was like “I was wondering if he was bothering you” and I was like “OMG YES.” My friend asked if it was okay for him to have a “man-to-man talk” with the guy and give him the “that’s not how you treat a lady” speech. I said please do. I also let him know that I’ve hit the point where if he keeps it up much longer he’s going to find himself on the other side of a banline.

It was kinda surreal to me, because I’ve given that talk to other people before. Now instead of giving it (and thankfully I never received it), I was the subject of it. I’ve been telling myself “well Bun, you wanted to be a girl. Welcome to womanhood.”

Once again this has reminded me why it’s so important I keep where I work so close to my chest. I work for a fairly small company – less than 200 people – and we only have one office in the Bay Area. (And others around the country, but the headquarters and biggest office is here.) It would be very simple for someone to look up the address of our office and show up at the door with a “surprise” for me or something. (We keep the front doors locked at all times just for this reason. Please don’t fear for my safety at work.)

Hopefully it’ll all work out. Well, it’ll work out fine for me… happiness is a ban and mute away if I need to.

I got called “Sir” yesterday. This is meaningful to me because I actually noticed it.

I was trying to remember the last time that happened (other than talking on the phone, which is a huge issue still), and I can’t remember the last time it happened. It hasn’t happened since that one time yesterday, eithers.

I noticed it yesterday because it never happens anymore. Yay. 🙂

Today I finally got my car re-plated with a CA license plate. It was a horrific experience no trans person should ever have to endure.

A little bit of background. I moved to California December 30th, 2013 from Texas. I had just re-registered my car in Texas before I moved. My Texas plates did not expire until December 2014. The CA DMV gives you 20 days to have your car re-registered in CA after moving to the state. I knew this. What I also knew is that every time I’ve registered a car, about a month later I’m hit with a flood of advertisements in the mail, phone calls from telemarketers, and “your car warranty is about to expire” scammers.

A few days after arriving in CA I filed to have my name legally changed. I filed the paperwork with the court on Jan 3rd, 2014. My court date was not until March 28th, 2014…. way after the 20 day mark.

I decided that I’d just suck it up and pay whatever fines I might be hit with from registering my car late because the _LAST_ thing in the world I wanted was for the flood of mail, telemarketers and scammers to come at me using a name I was trying desperately to get rid of. It was gonna cost me, but I just didn’t want to have to deal with the agony of mailbox full of junk to my old name. (And mind you, I had just paid the car tax in Texas. My car was still legal for a whole year.)

Fast forward to today. My name’s been legally changed, I’ve updated all of my accounts everywhere, and even my drivers’ license is now correct. I made an appointment about a month ago for today with the DMV.

I got all prepared. This morning before I showed up I went to the DMV’s website and downloaded all of the forms I’d need, filled them out completely on my computer (I even had to call the Credit Union where my loan is to get some information), triple checked it all, and the printed out the forms and shoved them into a folder. In that folder I also had the car’s bill of sale, a certified copy of my name change court order, and my Texas birth certificate. Everything needed to prove that I’m me.

I got to my appointment a bit early and waited for them to do the vehicle verification and all that. No big deal. When it was time for my appointment my number was called. (They called me at exactly the time my appointment was, which was cool.) I had no idea what was about to happen next; I thought this was going to be a really quick five minute thing.

Immediately there was a problem. The name on my car’s registration isn’t my legal name. (It’s my old name, of course.) I handed the clerk my certified copy of my court-orders name name and my birth certificate. She went and make photocopies of them (with my permission) and to talk to her supervisor about what to do.

I’m told that they have to process the registration with my old name and I’d need to sign for it that way. I refused since 1.) I don’t like that name, and most importantly 2.) I’d be committing fraud if I did since that’s not my name anymore. At no point did she explain why this was the case, only that that’s just how it was. (I only figured out what the issue was hours later after I’d calmed down and thought about it.)

After I refused to do that she went to talk with her supervisor again. She came back wanting me to sign this “Statement of Facts” saying something like “I, ______, am legally changing my name to ______.” I also refused to sign this because it’s also incorrect. I’m not in the process of changing my name, I’ve already done so. Finally I had to sign another “Statement of Facts” that said “I _______ and ________ are the same person,” which I did sign, because at least _THAT_ one was true.

I was humiliated. I had to sign a document basically outing myself right there in the DMV. I had already handed then a certified copy of my court order – THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH. In this country a court order from a Judge is about the highest “Statement of Facts” there is, right?

But, it gets worse. This is where the dehumanizing part comes in.

Back to the fees for registering late. From looking at the DMV’s website, I thought it was going to be about $30-100. Wrong, it was closer to $250.

I was really upset at this point. I’d just had a bombshell dropped on me that not only is my car’s registration going to be in a name that’d left in the past, I owed them more money than I had in my checking account at the time.

Completely upset and emotional, I tossed my credit card onto the clerk’s computer keyboard when she wasn’t looking at me, rather than hand it to her. She got really, really mad at me for “throwing things at her,” and proceeded to lecture me on how she’s “being respectful” and that she expects the same from me. I got overridden with guilt and started saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that” over and over again. I felt like I was 6″ tall. I was just really upset and not trying to hurt anyone.

I showed a tiny bit of emotion and got yelled at for it. Well gosh lady, I’m sorry, but I was really upset right then. I just was not allowed to show any emotion at all. 😦 😦

So after my scolding she hands me the credit card back and tells me they don’t take credit cards. If she’d give me a few minutes I’d transfer some money into my checking account and we could use my debit card. She said okay. So I grabbed my phone out of my purse and moved $300 from savings to checking and paid my bill.

At this point I did what I normally do when overwhelmed with emotions… I started to tear up and just recessed deep into my shell. I quit talking completely and refused to make eye contact with anyone. 😦

I don’t know what happened after that, really, because I was just so upset at this point. I know I now have CA plates and all that, so I’m guessing it all worked out okay, but the name on the registration I have is my old name. 😦

Before I left the parking lot I texted a friend and just said “call me please.” She did like 20 seconds later.

I broke down while talking with her (using the handsfree thingy built into my car radio). I got into a full-on cry and was yelling things. The phone call didn’t last long because I was so choked up I just couldn’t speak.

I was so upset and emotional that I wanted to pull off into a parking lot so I could cry my eyes out without risking hurting anyone. I drove for quite a bit looking for a parking lot, but this is the Bay Area and free parking lots are no where to be found… and I sure as heck was not going to pay $5 to sit in my car and cry.

Since there was no place to park I just drove home in that state. I have no idea how I got home, but I did. (Because, hey, THAT’S safe, right?)

Here’s how this should have played out.

The moment the clerk noticed the problem, she should have said something like this:

I’m sorry ma’am, but you’re not the owner of your car right now, your Credit Union is. I can’t issue you a new registration with your name changed because you don’t own the car, they do. They’re the ones that need to get the title changed first.

…and then presented me with a couple of options. Things like, maybe if I pay the fees I’ve racked up, she’d give me a 60 day temp plate so I could work things out with the Credit Union and then try again. Or maybe offer to contact the Credit Union.

But what shouldn’t have happened is the ask me to break the law by forging a document. And something that should have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever happened was making me sign that “Statement of Facts” outing myself. I handed them a court order signed by a Judge… what more could they possibly want? The DMV is not above the law.

To me, as a transexual female, my identity is very important. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am. Its cost me a lot of time, money and heartache to get here. The DMV needs to train their employees just how vital this is to us and learn how to be “respectful” to us, as well.

So what did my desire to not get flooded with junk mail and scammers calling me my old name get me? $250 in fines, total humiliation, and a wasted day. It’s past my bedtime right now and I’m still extremely broken up over this. It didn’t work, either, since my car is still registered in my old name. (How exactly they were able to issue a car registration to someone that doesn’t legally exist I have no idea. I guess the DMV has magical powers.)

I’ll work out the title name issue with the Credit Union. And the fines suck, but I know they apply those to everyone and I wasn’t being singled out.

But the humiliation of being forced to sign a “Statement of Facts” admitting I’m trans? Or getting scolded for showing emotion? Those two things should never happen to anyone. Ever.

😦