Scared-y Bun

Last night did not go according to plan.

Because the Golden Gate Bridge is closed, the Bay Bridge is the only way into San Francisco from both the North and East Bays. I knew this and left myself lots and lots of time to get there, but it still took over two hours to get there. It took over an hour to go less than a mile getting to the tollbooths. My right heel was _really_ hurting by the time I got there.

The place where I was suppose to go was in the Mission. I’d never been there before. I had no clue where I was, really, I was just doing what Waze to me to do.

I got there and the nice brightly-lit parking garage where we were suppose to park was full. Disaster.

I went looking for a place to park for 20 minutes or so, and found nothing. I got really frazzled because people were zooming around me as I was driving kinda slow trying to make out the lines on the street that show where the parking spots are.

I got really scared. I had no idea where I was. I didn’t know if it was safe. When I finally did find a parking spot, it was dark, and the path I’d have to go to get to the party was very dark as well. I had no clue if it was safe to do that… I’d never been there during the daylight.

I just kept going. I didn’t want to risk being unsafe. Finally I found a sign pointing me to 101, and I hopped on the freeway and headed home.

When I pulled into the parking garage at my apartment I was shaking I was so scared. I parked, went up to my apartment and asked a friend to call me.

She quickly did. Once I had the stress of “I need to get home safely” off my shoulders, I broke down with my friend on the phone. I cried a bunch.

I ended up going to bed really early and slept like 10 hours. I feel better today, but last night was about the most terrified I’d ever been in my life. I know I did the right thing — if I’m not sure if it’s safe, don’t stop, ever — but I’m really bummed I didn’t get to go to the Holiday party.

I think it’s time I stopped trying to do things like this alone.

At least I have a cute outfit all picked out for the next time, I suppose.

Tunnelvision?

So I’ve been thinking about my family members.

I live in a world where LGBT issues and gender fluidity is just a given. It’s not a big deal. I have a lot of trans friends, and I’m just surrounded by it every single day. It’s totally normal to me… there’s even several of us at work.

But for my ultra-conservative family that lives in Texas? I might have been the first transsexual they’ve ever met. Maybe they *DID* notice, but I’m so far out of their experiences, that simply have no idea how to react, other than pretending nothing changed?

Something I’ve been thinking about.

Christmas 2014

So Christmas was pretty awful. My expectations were way too high going in.

When I came out of the closet 18 months ago to my folks, they said they wanted to handle letting my extended family know. I said fine… and then promptly forgot about it. Turns out they never did. 😦

There’s a lot of things going on right now with my Dad (brain cancer, etc), so I can’t get too upset, but I didn’t find out about this until 48 hours before I was suppose to take off to go there.

My folks feel a need to “protect” me from the more right-wing parts of my extended family. These are the people that openly called my sister a devil worshiper when she got her tongue pierced years ago.

As such, when there was a chance I’d be near anyone, I was more-or-less told I needed to wear a “costume,” which was basically a men’s shirt, no jewelry, no bra, no purse, etc. :\ That wasn’t the worse part of it… the worst part was constantly getting called a name I have been trying very hard for the last year to bury, and being mis-gendered for hours, while being powerless to stop it. It was very, very hard. It was all I could do to not break down in front of them.

I did break down in front of my Mom later once we got to her house. I cried so much I got her to cry, too. 😦

I need to keep this from happening again. I don’t want to be protected against those people. Let them write me off – I don’t care. They haven’t been a part of my life in 20 years, why should I care about them now? Being written off is WAY better than not being genuine, you know? I can’t pretend like nothing changed.

I am very proud of the person I’ve become. I’m a bounce-y and happy person almost all the time, and I like that! I have zero reason to hide and be ashamed of who I am. I have done nothing wrong, in the least. If they can’t accept that… it’s their loss, not mine.

I’ve taken steps to fix this. I saw how much my Mom and Sister use Facebook while I was down there, so when I got home I made a Facebook account under my legal name, and friended my Mom and Sister. I’m just gonna … be me on it. My goal is to let that evil friends-of-friends thing do its job and let the “Who’s Bunny??” rumors leak out.

I did have one nice win! On Christmas Eve my Mom and I went out for dinner while I was still in disguise. The waitress took one look at us and said “is there anything I can get you ladies?” without any hesitation. That made me feel good.

The trip was not all bad. My flight home was just amazing. I had something magical happen that totally made my trip worthwhile. 🙂