August 11th, 2020

Today was all over the place. I had some pretty high highs, and some pretty low lows.

I had trouble getting up this morning again. I didn’t get out of bed when I wanted to. This is a really new thing for me, and I blame the meds I’m on. I rest really well when I’m on them (I wake up feeling really good after sleeping), but it takes me foreeeeeeeeeeeever to wake up fully.

I love the house I’ve rented, but I can’t stand the potty. It’s one of those pressurized kinds, and when it works, it works great, but when it doesn’t, ick, it’s a disaster. It shoots pressurized water down the bowl and down the drain, which normally is great. But when it’s clogged, oooooooooh wow. It turns my potty into a very effective poo fountain. 💩⛲️ Poo goes EVERYWHERE.

That happened this morning. 🤮

This is the third time that’s happened since I’ve been here, and the first when Snowy is here. I know that Snowy has problems with germs and stuff, so I really freaked out. I got all yell-y and yelled words I’d most likely get in trouble for saying anywhere else.

It was both the fact that my potty was plugged up, and the fact that I didn’t want Snowy to have to be in an environment that she wouldn’t like that made it so hard. I eventually got the potty cleared up, and then sanitized everything in the area, but it was a good solid hour of freaking out.

After that, the rest of the afternoon was pretty easy. Work was fine. I had a session with my therapist, and that went fine, and I finally got an appointment set up with a psychiatrist for September 17th. That’s still a long ways off, but at least I have it on the calendar.

Then came the freakout after work. One of my worse in a long time.

I’m a Coke Zero addict, and I ran out this afternoon. Normally on Sunday I buy a whole bunch and have it at the house, but the Safeway near my house ran out, and I could only get enough to last until today. (This is what happened on Sunday.)

After work, Snowy and I went back to our normal Safeway to see if they have Coke Zero back in stock. They did not. Since we were there we decided to get a few things (I got some apples and she got a few non-forbidden fruit cups), but there was a line at check-out. A long line.

While trying to figure out which line to get into an older couple got in my way, and I felt like I was trapped with no way to stand that wasn’t in their way and and safe distance away. (My brain was telling me to not get too close, or else I’d kill them.) I panicked. I pushed the cart against an aisle, and took off walking very quickly down another aisle, just to get away.

Snowy eventually found me, and brought the cart with her.

We got back in line, and it took 20 minutes just to get the things we didn’t even go there for, but I got past it. It was really hard. I had a smaller freakout while waiting in line (someone wasn’t socially distancing from us), but Snowy was able to keep our place in line. I went and stood 50′ away in a safe spot and kept an eye on her, waiting for her to get to the register.

Sooooo we got that sorted, but I still had the very real problem of not having the Coke Zero I needed. We got back to the car, and decided to try a new (to us) place a few miles away. It was a giant Fred Myer store.

The Fred Meyer in Shoreline. This was the first time I’d been there.

They did have Coke Zero, and a bunch of it, so I got what I needed for the rest of the week. I thought about cleaning them out (I buy 2-Liters), but decided to be nice and save some for someone else that might want them.

I was breathing hard the whole time, still kinda amped up from Safeway, but got through it. My glasses got extremely fogged up along the way.

We got home and I collapsed on the sofa, and haven’t moved. I’m still sitting there as I write this.

I wish I knew how I got here. Things are so bad right now. 😢

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