August 7th, 2020

Yesterday wasn’t a good day. I don’t even know why.

Work was fine. A little slow in the afternoon, but just fine. After work was … eh.

Thursday was the first good day I’d had in a long time, and I was feeling pretty good following work, so Snowy and I decided to do something different for dinner. We went to a PF Changs (same place we went with the rest of the family a few weeks ago) for dinner. We had a 6pm reservation.

We left with lots of time to get there, which turned out to be a good thing. Traffic getting onto I-5 was a mess. I kept an eye on the ETA on the Maps app in my car, and it kept showing a comfortable margin, so I never really panicked on the way there.

When we got to the restaurant things started to go bad. When I went to get out of the car I managed to twist in such a way that my butt hurt, and I started freaking out about blood getting on my white pants. (The horrors of having hemorrhoids in the past!)

Dinner was mostly uneventful. We sat closer to an aisle that I would have liked, but it didn’t phase me. The problems started after dinner.

We stopped by the bathroom, and I had to use one of the really low toilets. The wasn’t anything to hold on to to get up, so I just had to struggle a bit. I did get up (and reassured myself that I wasn’t bleeding), but it was a bit of a challenge. The toilet with the bars was in use, so I didn’t get to use it.

Struggling to get off the toilet set a bad series of things in motion.

After dinner we stopped by a Whole Foods nearby so Snowy could get a few things. I didn’t wanna press my luck, so I decided to wait in the car. (Grocery stores can be overwhelming if the aisles are long enough.)

The view from the driver’s seat in my car as I waited for Snowy to return.

Backing out from the parking spot was a struggle. People kept getting in my way, and it triggered my “oh no, I’m gonna hurt or kill them” reflex. I managed to get past that, and we went to a gas station. I didn’t have enough gas to get home.

Fill the car up with gas up was fine, too, other than I forgot my mask.

As I was walking back to the driver’s side of the car after filling up I saw a hand sanitizer thing and thought “oh, that’s a good idea, let’s do that,” and tried to use it. It wasn’t working quite right, and rather than squirt foam onto my paws, it squired a lot of the liquid that I guess the foam is made of? I’m not sure, but it was really sticky.

I tried to get my paws dry by rubbing them (there was a LOT of stuff on them), and eventually gave up and grabbed a paper towel. That left my paws all sticky, and … that’s a problem. It set me on edge.

I got home just fine. Traffic wasn’t an issue. I was feeling pretty good at this point. I pulled the trash cans back up to the house (which is good! Lately I’ve been waiting 3-4 days to do that), and then scrubbed the goo from the gas station off my paws in the kitchen sink.

I’m not sure what happened after that, because it all went wrong.

My brain started beating me up over eating dinner. The combo of struggling to get off the potty and my knees bothering me and… yeah, I don’t know, but my brain was like “you shouldn’t have eaten dinner,” and things spiraled out of control.

I started thinking about “do I need to eat tomorrow,” which isn’t healthy. I kept trying to convince myself that it was okay that I’d had dinner, but my brain just wanted nothing of it.

I flopped on the sofa and tried to keep it together.

I can see into Snowy’s room from the sofa, and my brain went to “that room will be empty eventually,” and I just lost it. I cried really hard.

It’s a hard mental struggle right now. I need to prove to myself that I’m able to live alone, but at the same time, I don’t really want to. I need to be able to prove to myself that I can, so that a decision to not live alone is my own choice… but at the same time, I’ve really enjoyed having someone here and the idea of an empty house again is really scary.

Snowy came over and hugged me, and we talked for a bit. The crying eventually stopped. I stopped feeling guilty over eating dinner. Snowy went to bed, and I did about 30 minutes later.

What a day. I wish I knew why it was a bad day. It just … was.

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